Religion faceoff
by ananasfreak47
Summary: Catholic Missionaries meet our favorite Tortallan characters. Set after Lady Knight, some minor slash, KD, and lots of fun! Please do not read if you are easily offended about religion. If you have critical comments that's great, but please no flames.


Disclaimer: I am NOT Tamora Pierce, I do not own these characters, I do not necessarily share the same opinions as all of these characters. Please do not read if you are offended by pointing out the inconsistencies of Christianity and having some fun at religion's expense. This is NOT meant to be taken seriously. Enjoy.

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Kel: What's this all about, Neal? You'd better have a good reason for interruppting my morning glaive practice. Hey, you're never even up by now! What's going on?

Neal: His Majesty, King Jonathan, and Queen Thayet the Peerless, her most royal majesty, (Neal starts dreaming)...

Kel: NEAL! I didn't pause just to watch you dream about unattainable ladies!

Neal: Well, yes (snapping out of his reverie and looking sheepish), well anyway, there have been some very mysterious visitors that showed up last night at midnight that have requested our presence in the royal meeting room, the two of us, and everyone in the realm that holds a high office.

Kel: Who are they? And why are they here?

Neal: The answer to your second question will undoubtedly reveal itself during the course of our little meeting. As to your first question, I heard from one of the servants that this group calls itself "missionaries" (interrupted by Kel)

Kel: What does miss-missionaries mean? Is it like mercenaries (Owen needs to say this line)?

Neal: They do come from a far away country, but no, a missionary is someone that tries to tell people about a religion, but in the history of Tortall, I do not believe we have ever been visited by missionaries. In Tyra, however, there is a famous prophecy involving missionaries coming from the east that says...

Kel: SHUT UP NEAL! We're going to be late for this bloody meeting if we don't get a move on.

Neal (muttering): Who put a wasp in your loincloth? Oh wait, Dom wants you to sleep with him and you don't want to, I totally understand...

Kel: Nealan, I am going to KILL YOU!

Neal (mock hurt): Dearest Keladry, you wound me so.

Walk to royal meeting room, where Jon, Thayet, Buri, Evin, Dom, Raoul, Alanna, George, Myles, Gareth, Flyndan, Wyldon (accompanied by Owen), and who else is in a high position, Onua, Qasim, Lerant, Aly, Nawat, Daine, Numair, Baird, Harailt, Fulcher, Merric?, Roald, and Wolset, and Captain Linden (sp.?) Are already there,waiting for them. Jon is in conversation with five people, two wearing black habits with a white stripe and shiny black shoes, and the other three wearing what looks like very high quality cream-colored feed sacks with a drape of colored purple fabric hanging down off of both shoulders. Their shoes are also shiny and black, in complete contrast with the rest of their ensemble. Those garbed in habits looked like women, while the others were obviously men. One was carrying a very shiny wooden staff and a tall white hat curved at the top with gold edging on it. They all have a sort of wooden necklace, resembling two crossed bars. (The five characters are Priest 1, Priest 2, Bishop, Nun 1 (umbridge-like), Nun 2)

P1:Is this everyone?

Jon: Yes, I believe so.

P2: Now we can get started. Dear friends, you are to experience a life-changing moment today. You will hear the good news of Jesus Christ, and all your sins will be forgiven.

Alanna (whispers to George): Who? And what is a sin?

B (who obviously has impeccable hearing): Surely this sister (I had to resist writing sistah hehe) is jesting. You sin every time you do not follow God's commands.

Merric: Which god are you talking about?

N1: Which one???? Why there is only one!

N2: But he is three in one, the triune. There is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.

Lerant: How do you tell them apart if they've all got the same name?

Alanna: What happened to all the goddesses?

N1 (to N2): You can't expect them to know anything. They're pagans I expect.

Daine: What about my parents? My father Weiryn, is God of the Hunt, and my mother is The Green Lady, goddess of childbirth and healing in the north. She has appeared many times to those in need.

P2: A likely story, since having two gods–that don't even exist–as parents would not make you a human, one to rule over all the world. But are you sure this "Green Lady" and her appearances are really not the Virgin Mary?

Numair: Impossible, Sarra, the Green Lady most defnitely exists. Daine and I saw her a few years ago in the Divine Realms.

Kel: Who was this Virgin Mary?

P1: If you would let us continue, she was the mother of Jesus Christ, God's only Son, who died for us all in order to forgive us all our sins.

Alanna: Virgin, my foot. It is impossible to have a child without having sex.

N2: With God, anything is possible.

Raoul (to Buri): including them all leaving NOW.

Buri: I was thinking about us having a child, but that wouldn't be bad either, only then we'd miss torturing them. Numair looks a bit excited. What is he on?

Dom: It can't be any drugs, I stole– I mean, I saw Qasim making off with them all last week in order to help replenish the Own's supplies. He did agree to let us take anything we needed. But he's a mage and a scholar. Mages are all mad, but if they're scholars too...(shakes his head dramatically, causing Kel to giggle, but she hides it behind her Yamani mask) just look at the example of my cousin Meathead right here..

Neal: HEY! (Alanna: Hay is for horses, not for you Neal. You should know that by now. Though I always wanted to feed you some to see for how long it would keep you quiet.) I am perfectly sane, thank you very much.

P1 (droning on and on): There are ten commandments in God's book. His book is called the Bible. Everyone, upon becoming a Christian, which you are about to do, needs to read the Bible every day. (They all hand out bibles to everyone, Neal looks excited, opens it, and starts reading excitedly.)

Owen: This is jolly. We get free books.

P1: So the ten commandments are

1. You shall have no gods before me. (Lerant: How about after?)

2. You shall not worship any other idol, for I, the Lord (Dom: of what?) Your God am a jealous God (George: I don't like this God, I'll stick to the Trickster any day), punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation (Kel: That's horrible, their descendants haven't done anything except be born (close to tears, Dom beckons from across the room, she comes and sits on his lap while he rocks her back and forth, her face buried in his shoulder)), but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments.

3. You shall not use God's name in vain. (Gods, this is getting a bit ridiculous. Alanna reaches for her nonexistant sword. George: Calm down lass)

4. Remember the sabbath day and keep it holy. (Daine: What is the sabbath day? Lerant: What's with keeping it holey?)

5. Honor your father and mother.

6. You shall not murder

7. You shall not commit adultery, which means no "intimate contact" (Numair: What's wrong with the word SEX? Daine: I still think the word canoodling is better) with anyone other than your husband or wife. Dom looks at Kel, crestfallen. This religion sucks as far as he is concerned.

8. You shall not steal. (George: What if you're starving on the street?)

N1:Then it is God's will that you join him soon in his kingdom, so do not fight the plans God has for each and every one of you.

9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife. (Thayet: That one won't be any problem for me.)

George: What else is there to know about this "God"? I really need to get to work and see what lies my spies have to tell to me today.

(Merric and Lerant start kissing they are utterly bored, everyone stares at them, they had been seeing each other in secret)

N1: Stop!!! In the name of God, the most holy one, he will smite anyone who does that. Let me read you a passage from the Bible.(clears throat) This is from Leviticus chapter 18 (Daine: Levi what:? Numair: Levicorpus, it's a great spell, us university mages would practice it on each other all the time, and there's apparently a whole section on it in this Bible.) I said Leviticus. (Numair: Ah, he was a famous person who wrote among other things...) You shall not lie with your father, nor your father's wife, nor with your sister, your father's daughter, nor your mother's daughter, whether born at home or abroad ...oh here it is, you shall not lie with a man as one lies with a woman, and you shall not lie with an animal. (Daine:WHAT!?!? I've had enough of this stupid religion..the animals are my friends. I'm leaving. (Gets up, stopped by Numair) Numair: she meant lie with in the way you lie with...well me. (Blushes). Daine blushes too. I don't care. I've had enough. And apparently that's a sin too, because we're not married. Odd's bobs, this is a strange religion. (Hehehehe odd's bobs indeed)) Do not practice witchcraft or sorcery (Alanna: What am i supposed to do then? It's not like I can just turn my back on the Gift..I already tried that once.)

N2: Now that you've got most of the rules, do you have any questions?

Dom: What is this religion called?

N2: Christianity, from the word Christ. What is the name of yours?

Dom:...uhh...

N1: SEE, you're all pagans, you don't have a name for your religion.

B: What did I tell you sister, you are supposed to always be charitable towards others.

N1: Maybe I'm tired of it. Here they are asking all kinds of questions and being very disrespectful to God. I didn't become a nun to listen to slander about the most holy one, the Lord our God.

Daine: What's a nun?

P1: A woman who takes vows to be chaste her entire life (Numair: chaste means to refrain from canoodling, Daine: no wonder she's so bitter) and serve God. I am a priest, who also takes the same vows (Dom: I'm glad I'm not a priest then),and I also preach to the people and share God's word with people.

Neal: What word is it?

P1: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Neal: You said you share God's word with people, which word do you share with people?

P1: God's word is actually a rather large collection of words, it's the Bible.

Neal: Just like your one God is a collection of multiple gods.

P1: No, we are a firmly monotheistic religion, unlike your polytheistic religion

Daine: What's polytheistic?

Numair: It means many gods.

Daine: so are your three gods in one any different from one another? For example who would i pray to if i needed help healing one of my animals?

P1: I'm glad you brought that up. For animals, you could pray to Saint Francis. For other specific issues, you could pray to different saints.

Daine opens her mouth to ask what a Saint is, but Numair already had foreseen (scried hehe) her question.

Numair: A Saint is a person who did great deeds in the name of this God during his or her lifetime and the Church, the whole religion of Christianity recognizes these great deeds and so then they go to heaven, which is like the realms of the dead, only it's God and the dead deserving people who believed in him that are there. The bad people go to hell, where there is eternal fire and the devil, who holds a pitchfork to add more hay to keep the fire burning eternally. He sometimes appears in the mortal realms as a snake.

Onua: I refuse to believe it, Kidunka is NOT evil!!!!!

Alanna: Why didn't any priestesses come with you?

B: There aren't any priestesses. Women called to serve God become nuns, and men beome either friars or priests.

Alanna: That's outrageous! That's so gender discrimination! You will pay for that on the practice courts!

Kel: With a glaive non the less. (Runs away, comes back with glaive in hand)

Dom: Calm down, sweetheart.

Kel: Don't call me sweetheart. I hate flowery names, they remind me too much of that ugly oaf Cleon.

Gasps.

Neal: I thought you still liked him and were only going with Dom because he was the next-best thing after me of course, but he, unlike me,was available.

Dom: Whut up meathead. I mean shut up meathead. How about Protector of the Small then?

Kel: You shut up.

Dom: Yes, mother.

Kel: What??!!?!? How can that be? I can't be pregnant. I'm never slept with anyone...unless...D---

N2: Oh, you could be the reincarnated virgin mary (oh wait we don't believe in reincarnation), you know, God's holy mother, Jesus said he would come back one day and here he is, in your womb.(Alanna: what's wrong with the word uterus?) Starts bowing and genuflecting on front of Kel, Oh holy mother of god, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. It's a miracle, Jesus will be back to save the world from sin and paganism (effectively forgetting that Kel is a pagan) (

Dom (out of the side of his mouth): I was just joking, you know, I just like to call you that, though you have seemed touchy lately.

Neal: I'll say. She told me to shut up this morning.

Dom: I tell you that all the time, thats not weird.

Neal: From her it is: here, I'll check her, emerald green fills the air around Kel, surprising N2 and making her think kel is really the real thing.

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Tune in next time to hear them on circumcision, the lord's prayer, and the sacraments.

Daine:What about the People, I mean animals? They are just as important as humans are, and we're wrecking their habitat.

Numair really gets into it and starts talking about all the saints...

I came up with this story when I was thinking about Protestants and how they differ from Catholics in that Protestants don't really believe in the Virgin Mary or saints in the sense that they don't pray to them like Catholics do. Which made me wonder how different from a polytheistic religion Catholicism really is.


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